My uncle was a world-famous chainsaw juggler. For one show.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
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I kid you not.
If a villain really wanted to kill James Bond, he should just inject HIV into one of his attractive cohorts and then wait.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Don’t fall in love. You will get feelings and die.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.