Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
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If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.