Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
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Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]