Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
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Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky