me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
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Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.