Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
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Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.