me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
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I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.