A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
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For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.