mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
You Might Also Like
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Not all heroes wear capes…
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?