@TheHyyyype

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

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@kcmoore51

Don’t like me? You’ll come around.

– Onion Rings

@dreadnaught69

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

@JermHimselfish

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

@DaHess1

Anytime I see a happy white couple in their 30’s sitting in front of a laptop, I just assume they are filming a credit score commercial.

@PyrBliss

Just thought about sex for the 100th time today, and let me tell you, it’s definitely NOT the thought that counts.

@JustMeTurtle

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

@Dawn_M_

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

@TheAlexP

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

@TheAlexNevil

“Danger” was my middle name until I had it legally changed to “No, I’m good, thanks.”