mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
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three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
My daily affirmation
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My age is news to me every single time I remember