@FeelingEuphoric

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

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@BillMc7

Been coughing all day. Can’t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.

@PhuckinCody

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

@Token_Geezer

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for. nnNow, I don’t even walk into the right room

@robwhisman

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

@zebrasyndicate

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

@KatWar1

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

@RawBeanCoal

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

@treydayway

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.