your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
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Been coughing all day. Can’t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.
*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for. nnNow, I don’t even walk into the right room
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.