Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
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Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
“A little help here, Danny?”
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!