Mechanic said I blew a seal…

Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

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You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.


ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.


Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!


Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab


Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.


Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato


Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.


If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.


I saw this lady vogueing alone so I felt bad and started dancing with her. Anyone know sign language for ‘Im sorry’?


V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”