@david8hughes

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

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@Diane_7A

The closest I’ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.

@baaabs_29

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

@sad_tree

Snake: eat that apple
Adam:nah
S:u scared
A:no
S:lol u scared
A:
*eats apple*
S: whoa I didnt thnk u would do it lol sick now eat that poop

@robwhisman

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

@osigat

? Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ?

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

@StansaidAirport

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

@yonewt

The sirens stopped in front of my house, I should probably have a gander brb