Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
You Might Also Like
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.