Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
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My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.