@DaddyJew

Mechanic: what seems to be the problem?

Me: nice try buddy, that’s what I’m paying you for

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@obviousplant_

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

@mrjohndarby

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

@mommy_cusses

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

@dave_cactus

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

@NicCageMatch

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

@ObscureGent

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

@peteholmes

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”