@thenatewolf

Mechanic: you need a new carburetor

Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you

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@shwebby3

THE POWER OF NACHOS COMPELS YOU!

THE POWER OF NACHOS COMPELS YOU!

@TheCatWhisprer

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

@monicaheisey

i watched a bunch of spy movies and developed this extremely accurate FBI floorplan

@UncleDuke1969

Yelp* now has jail reviews. (true)

Felon87: Try for Block C. Great ambient lighting, management is courteous & the risotto is ‘to die for’.

@RidiculousSheri

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

@semple42

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

@Snarfernini

You’re nice, cute & single?
Can you introduce me to your friend who looks like he’d never return my texts? Yeah the one with the girlfriend.

@WilliamAder

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.