Mechanic: you need a new carburetor

Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you

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I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.


2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]


Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon


ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit


Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not


[At restaurant]
I’m so hungry I could eat a horse! But I’m on a diet so…
[To waiter]
Do you have diet horse?


Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands