I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Mechanic: you need a new carburetor
Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you
You Might Also Like
2017 – Wizard of Oz
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I’m so hungry I could eat a horse! But I’m on a diet so…
Do you have diet horse?
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy