@thenatewolf

Mechanic: you need a new carburetor

Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you

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@skullpuppy11

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

@Ygrene

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

@joeljeffrey

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

@ieatanddrink

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

@SummerCandyEyes

I think all the women who don’t get a rose on the Bachelor should at least walk away with a cat.

@RunOldMan

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

@thatdutchperson

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

@Gupton68

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

@utofellatio

Obama: we need to create a plan to reduce pollution
Biden: *turns from watching captain planet* have you asked the planeteers for help?