Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

This is what makes twitter great

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?