Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
You Might Also Like
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.