Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

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[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.


Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.


I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently


I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.


I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.


may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning


Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.


I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.


customer: *looking at menu* what’s good?
me: not much what’s good with you?
him: …
him: …
me: chicken salad. the chicken salad is good.