Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.