@GorillaNipples1

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

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@Cycloptomese

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

@lawyerthoughts

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

@TheBoydP

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

@MrsMikePatton

I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.

@ConanOBrien

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

@IamEnidColeslaw

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

@squirrel74wkgn

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

@williamsonnier

customer: *looking at menu* what’s good?
me: not much what’s good with you?
him: …
him: …
me: chicken salad. the chicken salad is good.