Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

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Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.


“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.


Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.


Me:what did daddy say when he broke his phone?
7y:can I repeat swear words?
Me: no
7y: he said nothing then


Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???


Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”

Now, I tweet them


[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”


ME: For my final wish, I’d like to lose some weight.

GENIE: Only way is to eat less and exercise more.

ME: This is bullshit.


Automatic doors don’t work when running full speed. I know that now.