Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

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Never ask a man if he is single. Instead ask him “is anyone under the impression that they are in a relationship with you?”


“Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we’re giving you up for adoption.”


[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.


When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.


Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.


“So you met the victim on tinder”
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*


I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.


You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”