@xLiserx

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

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@TarzanFeathers

Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.

@amydillon

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

@bngzyface

Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.

@MissNaughty1801

Me:what did daddy say when he broke his phone?
7y:can I repeat swear words?
Me: no
7y: he said nothing then

@click4amanda

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

@MisterBombay

Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”

Now, I tweet them

@MarfSalvador

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

@pinupteacher

ME: For my final wish, I’d like to lose some weight.

GENIE: Only way is to eat less and exercise more.

ME: This is bullshit.

@The_JRM

Automatic doors don’t work when running full speed. I know that now.