Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
You Might Also Like
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Finally!
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.