Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
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The only good comments section online is on recipes
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Damn what did I do next
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet