Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
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JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?