i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
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ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Well now that this is used, it seems I won’t be blowing my nose again til laundry day.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Friend: You’re wearing camo
Friend: Face paint too
Friend: Going hunting?
My brain: ᵀʰᶦˢ ᶦˢⁿ’ᵗ ʷᵒʳᵏᶦⁿᵍ ʰᵉ ᶜᵃⁿ ˢᵗᶦˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵐᵉ
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.