ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
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Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
OH. COME. ON.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.