ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

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i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”


[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…


*uses handkerchief*
Well now that this is used, it seems I won’t be blowing my nose again til laundry day.


Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?


Friend: You’re wearing camo


Friend: Face paint too


Friend: Going hunting?

My brain: ᵀʰᶦˢ ᶦˢⁿ’ᵗ ʷᵒʳᵏᶦⁿᵍ ʰᵉ ᶜᵃⁿ ˢᵗᶦˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵐᵉ


ME: can I ask one last question





I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.


BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now


JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that


I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.