@awkwardphilippe

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

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@zachv86

i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”

@panmidwest

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

@ibid78

*uses handkerchief*
Well now that this is used, it seems I won’t be blowing my nose again til laundry day.

@HenpeckedHal

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

@TheClifBob

Friend: You’re wearing camo

Me:

Friend: Face paint too

Me:

Friend: Going hunting?

My brain: ᵀʰᶦˢ ᶦˢⁿ’ᵗ ʷᵒʳᵏᶦⁿᵍ ʰᵉ ᶜᵃⁿ ˢᵗᶦˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵐᵉ

@TheHatStore

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

@chuuew

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

@sofarrsogud

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

@ArfMeasures

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

@sistersurf

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.