ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
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At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Ugh but profoundly
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Isn’t
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Me too 😆
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Your honor these allegations are
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th