Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)