Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
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Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date