I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
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Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly