@jaboukie: media: *finds out mail bomber is white* Apologetic Man Did Secret Santa Early and Wrong
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@AmishPornStar1: “YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!” -my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
@joe_binkley: (Cargo pants filled with tater tots) "How many do I need to get an Xbox?" "Sir, that's not how Toys for Tots works." "FALSE ADVERTISING!"
@robotrowboat: David Bowie: We can be heroes Me: No thanks David Bowie: Just for one— Me: I said I’m not interested
@Pee_And_Giggles: 19: Help me think of a tweet. Me: I'm sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is. 19: Maaaaa!