I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
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Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.