We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
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Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.