MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
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The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.