MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
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The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand