we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
You Might Also Like
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
This makes total sense…
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.