Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
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Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist