[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]


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when I had surgery I assumed that when they were giving me aesthetic that they’d count down from ten like you see on the telly but instead a czech nurse just looked down at me and said “goodbye” and I was gone. i laugh every time i think about it.


Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.


With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster


My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20


A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets


The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.


“We should see other people”
“It’s not u it’s me”
– coo
“I’m breaking up w/ u”
– coo
“I’m sleeping w/ ur brother”
– not coo


Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.


Face tattoos are a great way to let people know that you don’t owe on any student loans.