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@youngcogan

when I had surgery I assumed that when they were giving me aesthetic that they’d count down from ten like you see on the telly but instead a czech nurse just looked down at me and said “goodbye” and I was gone. i laugh every time i think about it.

@ddsmidt

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

@MelvinofYork

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

@Jandalize

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

@MikeHornick

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

@batkaren

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

@ibid78

“We should see other people”
PIGEON: coo
“It’s not u it’s me”
– coo
“I’m breaking up w/ u”
– coo
“I’m sleeping w/ ur brother”
– not coo

@Jackson5toLife

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

@TheSnideOne

Face tattoos are a great way to let people know that you don’t owe on any student loans.