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[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348