A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
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I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: I’m a big fan of your work
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
*lays in bed*
“Did I leave the oven on? When’s the last time I even baked anything? Like 6 months? I should probably still check to be sure”