@CherBear162

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

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@JasonLastname

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

@_wangwe

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

@ohen39

[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: I’m a big fan of your work

@Carbosly

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

@MarfSalvador

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

@PhilipNByrne

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

@carlyaquilino

*lays in bed*
“Did I leave the oven on? When’s the last time I even baked anything? Like 6 months? I should probably still check to be sure”