Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
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The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.