*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
You Might Also Like
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.