[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
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“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
*pronounces fake like saké*
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Bread puns are on the rise!
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂