Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
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Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills