1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
Who called the cops
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
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friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
*pinching bridge of my nose*
Kid, the sky is blue because it’s made of dead Smurfs, okay? Believe me, I don’t like it either.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
actually these are my therapy bees i’m allowed to take them on the bus with me