Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
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Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
So sick of all these stupid rules
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.