@mattgallo123

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

You Might Also Like

@pplwtching

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

@ObscureGent

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

@AthenaMystique

*sings Batman theme
*crawls along bars of death
*rolls down slope
*ascends tower
*knocks out foes

“Miss, you need to leave the playground.”

@Sarcasticsapien

Saying “to each his own” is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.

@mom_ontherocks

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

@MsNitnots

Girl in front of me on the bus just sent a text that was like a novel and the response was like a word and now even I’m pissed off about it.

@3sunzzz

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

@abbycohenwl

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

@CulturedRuffian

* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!

Me:

@roboticcrab

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him