sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
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I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
“our sushi is very fresh”
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Thoughts
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.