[learning how to tie shoes in school]
Jesus: *raising hand* why do we have to learn things some of us will never use in real life
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
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My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK
*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I came to the library to find some answers but leave with only questions…
[texting gf across the table from me so the people we’re making fun of won’t hear]
ME: i can see you & you did not laugh at all
I tweeted about Darth Vader wearing Depends earlier. Since then, two Vaders and have “followed” me. I’m getting choked tonite. Help.