Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

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[learning how to tie shoes in school]

Jesus: *raising hand* why do we have to learn things some of us will never use in real life


My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it


It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.


Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…


*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*



“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm


I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.


I came to the library to find some answers but leave with only questions…


[texting gf across the table from me so the people we’re making fun of won’t hear]

HER: hahaha
ME: i can see you & you did not laugh at all


I tweeted about Darth Vader wearing Depends earlier. Since then, two Vaders and have “followed” me. I’m getting choked tonite. Help.