@PleaseBeGneiss

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

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@thombodytolove

[learning how to tie shoes in school]

Jesus: *raising hand* why do we have to learn things some of us will never use in real life

@House_Feminist

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

@ericsshadow

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

@WritePlay

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

@PhilJamesson

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

@ElizaBayne

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

@kathay1973

I came to the library to find some answers but leave with only questions…

@panmidwest

[texting gf across the table from me so the people we’re making fun of won’t hear]

HER: hahaha
ME: i can see you & you did not laugh at all

@LilMamacitaDont

I tweeted about Darth Vader wearing Depends earlier. Since then, two Vaders and have “followed” me. I’m getting choked tonite. Help.