Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
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I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.