Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
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Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.