medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
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[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
no
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!