medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

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the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now


him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move


Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye


I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.


An idle mind is the Devil’s playground

Devil: [inside my mind] this playground is shit


*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*


A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can’t jump high enough to be in the “mid air” beach picture 🙁


[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not


I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.