@dril
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
@pilau
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
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@dril
@WhaJoTalkinBout
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
@ScottLinnen
Cats are just fuzzy plants that hate you.
@esmexoo
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
@RobDenBleyker
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
@pilau
An idle mind is the Devil’s playground
Devil: [inside my mind] this playground is shit
@AimeeHelene1
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
@whostrevors
A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can’t jump high enough to be in the “mid air” beach picture 🙁
@FredTaming
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
@jellybnbonanza
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.