Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
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just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture