me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
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Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok: