Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
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EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Naming your cat “Whiskers” is like naming your kid “Eyebrows.”
I’d love to see Jason Statham’s face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly