@upsidedowntrash

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

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@MorticiaKate

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

@robotmouthfarts

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

@izrigrod

Naming your cat “Whiskers” is like naming your kid “Eyebrows.”

@Sarcasmo718

I’d love to see Jason Statham’s face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.

@imdaintyaf

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

@Cyd10e

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

@_NTFG_

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

@lizetagge

Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.

@LlamaInaTux

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

@fro_vo

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly