medusa but her hair is an anaconda
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Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Pat is about to own someone
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
*swipes right on my hand mirror