[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
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Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet